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The Calgary Tapes

by Rachel Jack

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1.
Nowhere 03:35
I live in a big and beautiful house,  But it doesn't feel like a home, I have hundreds of friends so, why? Why do I feel so alone? I run so fast, but I'm standing, I’m standing so still!  I wish things would go my way, But that's not gonna happen,  For as long as I stay here, In this place where nothing happens, I’m stuck on a road to nowhere. They say I'm the girl who's always smiling, But they don't get to see me crying! I can't breathe from the pressures, You have placed on me! Am I all that you wanted?  Cos I'm so disappointed, with the choices I have made! So far down this road, that I never chose, This road to nowhere, And I'm going nowhere soon, In this place where nothing happens, I’m stuck on a road to nowhere. Oh-o this is not how it was all supposed to turn out, Oh-o, this is not what I spent my childhood dreaming about, But the road to nowhere is too easy, And I am just so very lazy, So I'll stay on this road to nowhere. I'm on a road to nowhere,  I'm on a road to nowhere,  I'm on a road to nowhere,  Im on a road to nowhere,  I'm on a road to nowhere,  I'm on a road to nowhere,  I'm on a road to nowhere,  I'm on a road to … Oh-o, this is not how it was all supposed to turn out, Oh-o, this is not what I spent my childhood dreaming about! But the road to nowhere is too easy, And I am just so very lazy, So I'll stay on this road to nowhere. Stay on this road to nowhere,  I’m on a road to nowhere,  I’m on a road to nowhere,  I’m on a road to nowhere.
2.
I drink poison hoping you will die, I keep you close, the hook in my side binds us together (binds us together), Forever and ever (forever and ever). I feel you on my shoulders in the pit between my ribs, That bursts into a ball of fire at the mention of your name. I’ve cried and I’ve cried over how you bruised my heart, Forgiving you is the hardest part. In my fight for revenge, you were dehumanised, It wouldn’t be over ‘till I had me an eye for an eye (an eye for an eye), Now I see the child in you, who never got to grieve, How every silly stunt you pulled, was you begging to be seen (They see you now). I’ve tried, oh I’ve tried, but I just don’t know where to start, Forgiving you is the hardest part, Forgiving you is the hardest part. Hurt people, hurt people, now I see, All the times that I blamed myself, this was never about me. I refuse to be wounded, though I’ll always have my scars, Forgiving you is the hardest part (its the hardest, it’s the hardest part), Forgiving you is the hardest part.  Oh Its the hardest part,  It’s the hardest part, Oh-o forgiving you, is the hardest part for me, It’s the hardest part for me.
3.
Theres something your hiding you can’t look me in the eyes, Your body tells a story that your lips are sworn to hide, Something has changed, you can’t be happy for me, Is it cos were no longer united in misery? Help me find compassion in the eyes of those who try to bring me down, Bring me down, Help me find compassion in the eyes of those who try to bring me down, Bring me down. We’ve come a long way from pictures sent through fax machines, The dailing tone, scrolls on the floor, impossible to ignore, Double tick confirming message received, Seems I’m not a priority now, I’m standing on my own two feet. Help me find compassion in the eyes of those who try to bring me down, Bring me down, Help me find compassion in the eyes of those who try to bring me down, Bring me down. You project your fears in many ways, upon me, I guess its easier to blame than unravel cellophane, You only display the paintings you want me to see, But I can see the war zone underneath the symphony. Help me find compassion in the eyes of those who try to bring me down, Bring me down, Help me find compassion in the eyes of those who try to bring me down, Bring me down.
4.
Equalised 03:47
Fear insurmountable, mind paralysed, Heavily sedated, poorly advised. Questions with no answers, Ticking clocks and calendars, I could run the other way, Like I always do, Or I can dive into you, I’m diving into you. I’m a fake, i’m a fraud, I’m feeling doubtful, As I crash into these corners with nothing to break my fall, Cue the never-ending condescending narrative, Wounds are open, troubles surface, I’m bathing in my distress. As I dive into you, I’m diving into you. I put my best foot forward, I’m ready for the jump, Even though the voices in my head are telling me to run, I put my best foot forward, I’m ready for the jump, Even though the voices in my head are telling me to run They’re telling me to run. I’m diving into shame, to blame, my insecurities, To all my pain, my failures, my inadequacies, Every excuse I use to justify you in my mind, You are released, And I am equalised (x2) I put my best foot forward, I’m ready for the jump, Even though the voices in my head are telling me to run I put my best foot forward, I’m ready for the jump, Even though the voices in my head are telling me to run.
5.
Guided 03:48
GUIDED I do not know, who you are, But I know that your always here with me, I feel your strength, When I'm afraid, and alone, When I’m battling vulnerability. I look to you for my strength, Cos I can’t find it within myself, No I can't walk, this scary world alone. I’m sorry, that I only turn to you, When times get tough, I like to think I can make it on my own. Ooo-o-o-ooo X 3 I do not know who you are, But I know that your always here with me, I do not know who you are, But I put my trust in you, I trust in you, In you, I trust in you. Tell me where you want me to go and I'll go, Give me a sign, I do not know who you are, But I put my trust in you, I trust in you, In you, I trust in you, In you, I trust in you, In you.
6.
7.

credits

released July 20, 2020

Written, composed & performed by Rachel Jack.
Recorded & mixed by Gordon Maclean.
Backing vocals by Sam Hird.
Mastered by Mike Walker.
Photo by Rachel Jack.Graphic Design by Denise Castlunger.

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Rachel Jack Aberdeen, UK

Singer-songwriter from the North-East of Scotland.

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